Many children experience stress on a daily basis. It’s vital to tune into the unique ways in which they demonstrate stress. Since many kids don’t yet have the vocabulary to clearly express what’s bothering them, their stress manifests in their bodies and behavior. This can include stomach aches, headaches, psychosomatic pains, changes in eating or sleeping habits, or sudden shifts in mood and behavior.
I see the effects of stress on students in school. When I greet them in the morning, I can quickly identify the ones who are stressed and are not ready for a day of learning. When I stop and talk to those students, they tell me things such as: they didn’t get enough sleep, a sibling was mean to them on the way to school, someone on the bus said something that hurt their feelings, they didn’t get their homework done, their parents were fighting, or they’re worried about something they heard on the news. Young children are very aware of everything that happens around them and they absorb the feelings of others. However, they lack the skills to manage those big emotions. That’s why it’s so important that we teach them how to manage stress.
Recognizing these signs early is crucial because stress that’s left to build up can lead to more serious issues like anxiety and depression.
The Role of Parents and Caregivers in Stress Detection
Most children need to feel secure before they share what’s troubling them. Regular, meaningful conversations can pave the way for recognizing when they are not their usual selves. My son often struggled in school. When I’d pick him up, he would be upset and wouldn’t talk. What worked well, to calm him and help him open up about his day, was music and a drive. I would play his favorite music and we’d sing along. Then we’d drive around town, sometimes stopping at a lake or the river for a walk. That’s when he would tell me all about the things that were causing him stress and anxiety. This 30-minute routine really set the stage for a calmer and more productive evening.
In school, teachers are tuned into their students and they get to know them very well. However, they do not have the time to sit down and really dedicate time to one child. That’s where I come in, as their counselor. My office is a welcoming space where students feel safe. I have soft music playing, stuffed animals, fidgets, and art supplies. I always give students plenty of time to settle in and feel comfortable. Sometimes we just sit together and draw. I like to ask them who their friends are, what they enjoy doing at home, if they have pets, and what they like most about school. Once they feel at ease, they’ll usually talk about what’s really bothering them. I highly recommend that parents take the time to go through this exact process with their children. Parents are so busy, but if you recognize signs of stress in your child, set aside some quiet time to give them the chance to process what they’re feeling and work together to come up with some ways they can relieve their stress.
Every child is different, so that’s why it’s so important to find out what they love doing and what kinds of things they’re good at. I always consider sensory needs. Some children really like to be hugged and others prefer not to be touched. Some children enjoy squishy things and others prefer soft or hard things. Some children love to write or draw, while others prefer to play a game or build something. And for most every kid, moving their body and getting fresh air are very important stress relievers.
The students I work with love when I read the book, I’m Just a Kid: A Social Emotional Book About Self-Regulation. They really identify with the character and they learn some great coping skills for calming themselves down. As I read the book, we stop and practice the strategies together. They really enjoy role-playing.
I like to teach students a variety of coping skills, based on what I learn about them. I teach them deep breathing first. I have them blow all their air out of their lungs. Then we pretend we’re holding hot chocolate and they sniff it with their nose. We hold our air for 3 seconds, and then blow out through our mouths to “cool” the drink. It takes practice for children to get the proper method down. They tend to breathe into their chest, instead of their belly. I like to use a Hoberman Sphere as a visual. Kids of all ages enjoy using this apparatus to sync their breathing. They hold it closed and blow out their air, then they open it as they breathe in through their nose, then they breathe out through their mouth as they close the sphere.
By staying observant and noticing changes in behavior or mood, you can learn to identify potential stress signals that children might not express directly. They could show up as unusual outbursts, changes in eating or sleeping patterns, or even a sudden drop in academic performance.
I like to describe my observations and provide a space for children to fill in the gaps. For example, I might say, “I’ve noticed that you’re much quieter than usual and you haven’t been smiling”. It’s also very helpful to ask open-ended questions, instead of “yes” or “no” questions. “I noticed you’ve been quite quiet after school; what was your day like?” leaves the space for your child to give you details. But if you ask “Did you have a good day?”, your child can answer “yes” or “not really” and that might be the end of the conversation.
I also have to be mindful of my reactions and stress levels. If I’m visibly stressed or rushed, students might feel their worries are unimportant or add to their stress. It’s a delicate balance of being supportive without projecting my own emotional state onto them.
At times though, despite our best efforts to create a supportive environment and communicate, some situations require additional help from professionals. This could be because the stress seems intense, persistent, or because it’s causing significant disruptions to daily life.
The foundational components of stress management are: Recognizing and identifying emotions, knowing several personal coping skills that can be used to reduce stress, knowing when and how to ask for help, Realizing your strengths and interests so you can engage in something that brings you joy, understanding how to resolve conflicts, knowing how to replace negative self-talk with positive thoughts, knowing what your triggers are, and having a plan for calming down once you realize you’re stressed.
These components are all included in my online course that teaches foundational social skills through engaging videos and downloadable pdf’s. You receive lifetime access for just $19.99. My course also covers journaling as a form of self-expression and stress management. You can purchase my kid’s journal and mom’s journal here.
Both journals have engaging prompts, room to write whatever you choose, and stress-reducing coloring pages. The content in the journals in based on Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) and Neuroscience. Both disciplines have been shown to be very effective in decreasing stress.
In the next section, we’ll discuss when it might be necessary to involve a child psychologist or other mental health professionals, and what that process may entail.
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Professional Support: When to Seek Help
Understanding when a child’s stress levels are beyond the scope of parental guidance is a critical step in managing their well-being. There are times when stress signals a deeper issue that may require professional intervention. You can take a survey here to find out if your child would benefit from therapy. It’s essential to distinguish typical stress responses from more serious anxiety disorders, which can impact a child’s daily functioning.
During a psychological evaluation, an expert can determine the root causes of a child’s stress and recommend suitable treatment options. Parents can prepare for this by observing their child’s behaviors and stressors and providing this information to the professional. A comprehensive assessment typically includes discussions with the child, parental input, and often standardized questionnaires or tools.
A critical part of seeking professional help is creating a supportive atmosphere for your child. They should never feel blamed or shamed for their stress or anxiety. Be open about the purpose of seeking help and ensure your child understands that it’s a positive step towards feeling better. Removing the stigma around mental health is vital for your child’s emotional growth and willingness to accept help.
Practical Strategies for Stress Management in Children
Equipping children with the skills to manage stress is one of the most valuable lessons they can learn. Like any skill, it takes practice, and starting young can be incredibly beneficial. One effective stress management technique is teaching children how to express themselves through creative activities, such as drawing, music, or storytelling. These outlets offer them a safe space to explore and convey their emotions.
Another book that I read to students who are in the age range of about 8 to 11, is I’m Stretched. This is a delightfully humorous book that rhymes. Children really relate to it.
Play is also a very effective stress-reliever, for children and adults alike. Children have so many responsibilities and then they want screen-time. Sometimes we forget that play is a fundamental part of children’s emotional development and a natural stress reliever. Parents can encourage play by dedicating time solely for play, without distractions. Whether it’s a game of catch or an imaginative adventure, play allows children to escape stress and engage in the joy of the moment.
The Breaking Barriers Down Game is a favorite of my students. It’s very fun and engaging and teaches emotional regulation skills. Another game my students really enjoy is the Connect More game, which is modeled after Connect Four.
Routine and structure provide a sense of predictability that can be immensely calming to children. A consistent daily schedule, clear expectations at home, and an organized environment can help reduce anxiety that stems from uncertainty. Of course, flexibility is essential too – rigidity can create stress just as chaos can.
Learning about mindfulness can be a game-changer for children dealing with stress. Simple breathing exercises, age-appropriate yoga, or guided meditations designed for kids can help them feel more grounded and calm. Try incorporating these techniques into your child’s bedtime routine to encourage relaxation before sleep.
It is my hope that these strategies not only help your child cope with stress today but also lay the foundation for robust mental health in the future. Remember, fostering a dialogue about feelings, normalizing the conversation around stress and mental health, and leading by example—are also CRUCIAL steps in supporting your child. Never hesitate to reach out for professional guidance when you feel it’s needed, and trust your instincts as a caregiver to do what’s best for your child. It’s okay not to have all the answers, but together with your child, you can navigate the path to managing stress effectively.
I’d love to hear from you. How do you know when your child is stressed? What helps your child to reduce their stress? Please leave a comment below.