I know the difficulty of being the parent of a highly emotional child. Every time you need to ask them to stop doing something they enjoy, or ask them to do something they don’t, your body tenses up and you hold your breath, hoping they don’t have a meltdown!
When you have company at your home, your anxiety goes through the roof because you’re hoping against all hope that your child will be calm and happy during the visit.
Or you get frequent calls from your child’s school because she frequently becomes so upset during the day that she can’t focus on school and is disruptive in the classroom.
In my work as an elementary school counselor, I teach emotional regulation more than any other skill. If a child is unable to regulate their emotions, every area of life is more difficult for them. Knowing how to manage daily ups and downs of emotions, is a foundational and crucial skill.
When the students I work with are unable to regulate themselves emotionally, they struggle academically and socially. They are also at higher risk for depression and anxiety.
I’ll begin by telling you about a student I work with who has a very difficult time with emotional regulation, then I’ll describe research-based methods for teaching children how to calm down.
In my 30 years of working with children and families, I’ve seen many extreme situations occur. I currently work with a 1st-grade student I’ll call Chase. Whenever Chase is given an assignment that requires patience and attention to detail, he throws the paper, screams and runs out of the classroom. Sometimes he even pushes his desk over or pushes items off tables.
You might think Chase just needs stern discipline. But when a child is this reactive, it is seldom due to a lack of discipline. It’s usually about trauma they’ve experienced, causing their brain to go into fight, flight or freeze. In that moment, they are unable to respond calmly or engage in any kind of logical reasoning. Trauma changes the brain, causing them to be stuck in a loop of strong reactions and an instinctual need to survive.
Chase is not spoiled or mean-spirited. He really wants to do well in school and he’s very loving toward his teacher and other school staff. He just cannot respond to strong feelings appropriately for now.
When a child reacts with extreme behaviors, it’s important to respond every time in a consistent manner. It’s also an opportunity to teach them how to regulate by modeling the behavior yourself.
When a child did not learn to regulate their emotions as a baby and toddler, it’s important to teach them in a very intentional and consistent manner. Children need to learn these skills in a calm and safe environment where they will have many opportunities to practice and apply their new skills.
If your child is having frequent meltdowns, or becomes very upset or angry when things don’t go their way, follow these steps:
Steps for Teaching Emotional Regulation
- Calm Yourself First: Check yourself to ensure that you are calm before responding. Take deep breaths, lower your voice, and speak calmly to your child.
- Wait: Give your child time to move out of “survival mode” before saying anything. Stand quietly nearby, ensuring their safety. When your child is becoming calmer, reassure them. You might say, “I’m here to help you when you’re ready” and then wait for a response.
- Validate their Feelings: Once your child engages with you, validate their feelings. For example, you could say, “I can see that you’re really disappointed and angry right now. It really upset you when I asked you to stop playing”. This is a great opportunity to use new feelings vocabulary. The more words your child learns, the more effectively they can communicate what they’re feeling and what their needs are.
- Deep Breathing: Emotional regulation skills take a great deal of practice to become automatic. Sit with your child and teach them to take deep breaths. I like to teach this skill using a fun method called “favorite food breathing”. Ask your child what their favorite food is. Before starting, ask your child to blow all the air out of their lungs; I ask children to bend forward as they blow, so I know they’re emptying their lungs. Next, have them hold their hand flat up under their nose. as if they’re smelling the food, with a big deep breath, in through their nose. Tell them to hold their breath for 3 seconds and then blow all their air out through their mouth, like they’re cooling off the food. Do this at least 2 or 3 times. I also like to have the child put their hand on their stomach so they can feel it inflate. Kids need a lot of practice and guidance because they tend to breathe only into their chest.
- Tense and Release: Ask your child to make fists, tighten their arms, torso and legs all at the same time. Do it with them and hold the tension in your muscles for 3 seconds. Release and shake your arms. Sometimes kids resist really tightening all their muscles, so they have to be coached into doing it. It feels really good and releases a lot of stress. I like to tell them that if they feel tingles throughout their body, they did it correctly.
- Move the Body: Ask your child to stand up. Do some jumping jacks with your child and then stand calmly, reach your arms up and pretend you’re a tree swaying in the wind. Kids love doing this! Finish by having your child bend at the waist to touch their toes, breathing out a big sigh.
- End with Praise: Your child will learn to regulate with your coaching and encouragement. Tell your child “You did such a great job of calming yourself down!” and give them a hug. Then quickly move on to the next thing so they don’t fall back into the difficult emotions.
When I work with students in small groups, I often use The Coping Skills Game. This is a great way for kids to learn a variety of coping skills in a fun, engaging way.
I also love to read the story I’m Just a Kid. Kids really relate to this story and the content gives them plenty of opportunities to practice using coping skills.
When to Seek Professional Help
Sometimes, despite our best efforts, children might struggle with emotions beyond what we as parents, educators, or caregivers can handle alone. It’s essential to know when it’s time to reach out for professional support. Several signs may suggest a child needs additional help with emotional regulation, including persistent difficulty in school or social situations, extreme outbursts, or reactions that don’t align with their developmental stage.
Parents and caregivers need to remember there’s a wealth of resources available. Seeking out a child psychologist, counselor, or a behavioral specialist doesn’t mean you’ve failed. Rather, it represents a proactive step in ensuring your child receives the comprehensive support they need to thrive emotionally. By consulting with professionals, you can access specialized strategies tailored to your child’s unique needs.
Engaging in therapy can have numerous benefits for children struggling with emotional regulation. Therapists can offer tools and techniques that are more customized than general advice. Through therapy, children learn to understand their emotions, develop resilience, and improve their reactions to challenging situations. For many children, this leads to better performance in school, improved relationships, and a healthier, happier life.
I created an online course that helps children learn foundational skills while they’re waiting to begin therapy. The course has lifetime access and it includes engaging videos and downloadable PDF’s. Children who participate in this course will be able to go deeper in therapy and will gain much more from the process.
Emotional regulation is a skill that children will carry with them into adulthood. It’s pivotal for parents and caregivers to foster these skills early on. By recognizing when to involve a professional, you can provide your child with an even stronger foundation for managing their emotions. Always keep communication lines open, stay informed about emotional development, and remember, seeking help is a sign of strength and commitment to your child’s well-being.