“Some children may need a behavioral approach, whereas other children may need a sensory approach”
~Temple Grandin~
Many parents have had the disheartening experience of being in a public place, with their child, only to have an otherwise normal day dissolve into a full-blown meltdown. It’s mortifying! When your child begins crying, screaming and flailing their arms and legs, all you want to do is to find a hole to crawl into.
You feel the heat of other people’s critical eyes on you. You try desperately to get your child to stop crying, to no avail. It’s devastating and embarrassing!
In the heat of the moment, it’s hard to even think. You’re basically stuck doing damage control in the midst of a crisis. But wouldn’t it be nice to prevent this from happening?
The reasons that children meltdown can be complicated. When children scream and cry simply to get what they want, they are having a tantrum. But it’s also possible that they might simply lack the skills to express their wants and needs appropriately. They also might have sensory issues that cause their nervous system to go into overload.
As you know, being a parent is often about navigating through confusing behaviors and knowing the distinction between behavior as communication and manipulation, is crucial. A tantrum is usually a child’s response to frustration, a desire for attention, or a demand for getting what they want. It’s a part of normal childhood development, and kids are often still aware of their surroundings, even choosing their audience wisely.
Meltdowns, on the other hand, stem from sensory overload or an overwhelmed emotional state. They’re not about manipulation; children are genuinely unable to control their emotional storm.
Children are sometimes unable to process a multitude of choices and desires and they may become dysregulated very quickly, in spite of knowing they should remain calm.
Some children go into fight, flight or freeze mode when they’re faced with anything new, even though it might be something they’re excited about.
Here are some questions that will help you determine if your child has a tendency to become overloaded or dysregulated in certain situations:
- Does your child have difficulty adjusting to changes in routines?
- Does your child have meltdowns over seemingly minor things that other children are excited about? (E.g., surprises, parties, visitors, or changes in food, clothing or fun activities at home)
- Does your child often seem like they’re ready to do something new and then suddenly fall apart?
- Does your child meltdown when they’re given choices to make?
If you answered “yes” to 3 or more of the above questions, your child is likely very sensitive to sensory overload. There’s nothing wrong with your child, they just need more time and information up front, in order to help their brains take in new situations without going to a place of fear and anxiety.
Children who easily become overloaded need coaching and support for challenging situations. Your child will benefit greatly from something I like to call “frontloading”. It takes a little extra time at the beginning, but it will save you and your child time and distress in the longrun.
Once you realize you have a child who has sensory sensitivities, you can plan ahead to avoid your child becoming distressed. Begin by preparing ahead for the typical activities you do. Talk with your child, if they’re at least 6-years-old, about what bothers them the most about each place you visit. See if you can determine a pattern. If your child is younger, you will need to look for patterns by noticing your child’s behavior. Some of the possible triggers might be things such as:
- Bright lighting
- Loud music
- People rushing around
- Changes in temperature
- Frequent changes in the settings of familiar places (such as a grocery store that changes their displays and moves products around)
- Loud voices or yelling
- The presence of dogs or other animals (if they have a phobia)
- A multitude of choices (such as in the grocery store cookie, cereal, or candy aisle)
- When your energy is heightened or you are nervous and rushed
- Loud unexpected noises
Obviously, you cannot remove these triggers from your child’s life. But you can give your child the tools to cope with them. Explain to your child that you understand that some things in the environment of different places might cause them to feel afraid or uncomfortable. Reassure them that you will always be there to help them through times when they feel upset. Then make a plan for ways to comfort and shield them from the things that bother them.
Your child cannot, and should not, avoid things that cause them discomfort. Help your child to identify what helps them feel calm. Your child might have a favorite blanket, stuffed toy, or small item that is calming for them. Or perhaps they do better when they’re distracted with something that’s fun, such as a puzzle toy, a book, or music or a video.
It’s also helpful to have an exit plan. This is something that should be used as a last resort though, because every time your child is able to work through their feelings of being overwhelmed, they gain more skills and confidence.
Let your child know that if their calming plan doesn’t work and they still feel extremely upset, you will leave the location with them. If you have to use this strategy, first try getting away just for a break. When your child is calm again, take them back in to try again. If this is just too difficult and it’s an extra hard day for them, go ahead and leave.
Believe me, I know that having to leave the supermarket or a friend’s house or some other place that you really want and need to be, is very inconvenient. But supporting your child through their sensory overload will pay great dividends.
I have recommended a great resource to parents for several years. The book The Out of Sync Child is incredibly helpful. I don’t generally recommend the most expensive format of books, but I think the spiral-bound version is most helpful because you’ll refer to this book again and again.
I also want to recommend some very helpful sensory toys, in case you’re wondering what might be best for your child. When the brain is in overload, putting things in order is a very calming and regulating activity. This carry-along sorting toy is brilliant. Another portable and sturdy sensory toy is the Crayola Sensory Board.
I feel it’s important to give you tools to help your sensitive child. Every child is different, but some really benefit from feeling “enveloped”. They either like to wear a fitted hoodie, be wrapped up in a blanket, or wear something that fits them snuggly. There are various types of clothing that might be calming for your child. This sensory shirt is one example. Weighted items can also be calming. Some children feel comforted when they have something heavy on their lap. This weighted puppy lap pad might be something your child will enjoy taking on errands.
In addition to the above tools and strategies, your child untimately needs to learn how to regulate their emotions. You can teach your child coping skills that will serve them for the rest of their lives. One of the most important coping skills that children benefit greatly from is deep breathing and mindfulness.
Children do not instinctively know how to breath in a way that calms their brain and body. One of the techniques I like to use is called “Smell the flower and blow out the candle”. To teach your child this deep breathing method, have the first bend over to blow all the air out of their lungs. Next, ask them to sit up and immediately pretend they’re smelling a very fragrant flower (you can have them put their pointer finger up to their nose pretending it’s a flower), then have them keep their finger there and pretend it’s a candle that they need to blow out. This helps them to get the correct technique. Practice this often.
There are a lot of great mindfulness videos on YouTube. A couple of my favorites are from The Mindfulness Teacher and Yoga Guppy.
I hope this information has been helpful to you. I will soon write another post about tantrums. Please feel free to leave comments or ask questions. I look forward to hearing from you.
