What is Emotional Regulation?
Emotional regulation refers to the ability to manage and respond to an emotional experience in a way that is socially acceptable. Now, why is this skill so important? Well, it lays the groundwork for future relationships and academic success, making it a critical part of your child’s growth.
As children mature, their capacity for emotional regulation evolves. Toddlers react instinctively and often with intensity to emotional stimuli, while older children begin to develop more sophisticated means of managing their feelings. By recognizing the developmental stages, you can better understand what’s normal behavior for your child’s age and plan accordingly.
Spotting the signs that your child might be struggling with emotional control isn’t just about observing their outbursts. It’s also about noticing if they are often overwhelmed or seem consistently unable to calm themselves after a stressful event. This can manifest as difficulty sharing, frequent tantrums after they’ve grown well beyond the ‘terrible twos,’ an inability to make or keep friends, or problems learning in school. Your child might also be experiencing frequent tantrums or meltdowns. Knowing how to manage this as a parent can be very challenging. When you take your child somewhere, you get that knot in your stomach, hoping they don’t start screaming. Often, despite your best efforts to keep everything going smoothly, something you least expected would be a problem, triggers your child into a complete meltdown. It’s embarrassing and exhausting!
The inability to regulate emotions spills over into school as well. Children who can manage their feelings are more likely to engage positively with peers and adjust to the demands of school. Those who grapple with this skill may struggle socially and academically, leading to a cycle of frustration and negative self-perception.
Sometimes we have students who meltdown at school. I’m trained in de-escalation methods. I start by making sure the student is safe. Once I know they’re in a space where they can’t injure themselves or run outside the school, I wait quietly, giving them some space and reassuring them in a soft voice. I’ll say, “I’m here. Let me know how I can help you when you’re ready.” When children are in a full-blown meltdown, they are not able to think clearly. They’re in the limbic system in their brain where they go into fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. Once the child begins to calm down a bit, I get on their level and reassure them again. If they refuse my help, I just say “Okay, I’m here for you.” When the child calms down a little more, I’ll offer them something calming. I usually have a stuffed animal or soft fidget with me. If they are able to take the toy and calm down more, I’ll ask them if they’d like to color or have a story read to them. The ultimate goal is always to get the student calm enough to return to their classroom. However, it’s important not to return them too soon, because they can become distraught again. I watch their body language to see when they become relaxed and then I ask them if they feel ready to return to class.
The Role of Parents in Emotional Coaching
As parents, you’re the frontline of guidance in your child’s emotional education. Your approach to parenting has a significant influence on how your child develops the skill of emotional regulation.
When you model emotional regulation, you’re not just telling your child what to do, you’re showing them how it’s done. Your own reactions to everyday frustrations and how you express your feelings are lessons in themselves. We all have moments of dysregulation. Life can be hard and relentless at times. When you become irritable, talk to yourself out loud as you calm down. Your child gets the benefit of hearing your thought process and watching you regulate in real time. You might say, “I’m feeling overloaded right now. The tv is on, everyone is yelling and I can’t concentrate on what I’m doing. I’m going to go outside. I’ll take some deep breaths, do some stretching, and listen to the birds. I’ll come back when my heart is no longer pounding and my body feels relaxed.”
Consistency is key in parenting. Reacting the same way to similar behaviors or situations teaches your child what to expect and helps build their sense of security. And when it comes to emotions, a supportive environment where feelings are acknowledged and validated can do wonders. In addition to noticing and naming how you feel, you can do this for your child. An example of this would be, “Jacob, I can see you’re angry right now. Your teeth are clenched, you’re making fists and your face is red. I’m going to put on some soft music. When you feel ready, I’ll be here to take some deep breaths with you and then when you’re calm, we can color or do some stretching together.”
Emotional coaching involves stepping in when your child is struggling with emotions. Instead of dismissing or ignoring their feelings, you guide them through understanding and coping with their emotions, much like a coach helps an athlete to improve their performance by providing strategies and encouragement.
Practical Techniques for Teaching Emotional Regulation
You’re probably wondering how you can practically help your child gain control over their emotions. It’s not always straightforward, but I’m going to share some techniques that you can use to guide your child toward better emotional regulation.
One fundamental method is through breathing exercises and mindfulness. This isn’t just about calming down in the moment, it’s also about building a skill set that can be used throughout life. Teach your child deep breathing techniques, or try a mindfulness app designed for kids. When your child is calm and regulated, practice breathing together. This way it will become easier for them to implement this strategy when they’re dysregulated. Make it like a fun game. There are many different breathing methods for kids. One of the books I love and use often is Breathe Like a Bear. Another method that children enjoy is “favorite food breathing”. Have your child choose a favorite food. First have them blow out all the air in their lungs. Then have them hold both hands together under their nose, like they’re smelling the food, taking a long, deep breath. Have them hold their breath for 3 seconds, then have them blow out to “cool off the food”. Children really enjoy this. They can also put their index finger up to their nose, pretending they’re holding a flower. Instruct them to “smell the flower”. Then, keeping their finger there, tell them to blow out the candle with a large puff.
These Breathing Exercise Cards are also really helpful. Your child can randomly choose a card and then practice the technique, learning many breathing methods. I use these cards in my small social groups and they’re always a hit!
Another effective strategy is what I like to call the ‘Name it to tame it’ technique. This involves helping your child to identify and label their emotions accurately. It sounds simple, but naming an emotion can give a child power over it and reduce its intensity. Research shows that just saying an emotion out loud decreases it. Again, model this yourself. Say, “I’m disappointed right now. I need some time to feel better.” Help your child learn feelings vocabulary and practice identifying how they’re feeling. As explained above, name it for them at first, but then encourage them to start naming their own feelings. Take turns saying “I’m angry!”, so your child copies what you’re modeling. They might just collapse into laughter!
Learning to identify and express a variety of emotions is absolutely essential for emotional regulation. The My Feelings Game is a great family game that teaches emotions and coping skills.
Role-playing can be surprisingly effective. Create hypothetical situations and discuss potential emotional reactions with your child. This not only gives them a chance to practice responding to emotions but also boosts their empathy for others. If there is a situation that often causes your child to melt down, practice that scenario and responding with new skills, when they’re calm. For example, you might pretend they’re playing a video game and you grab the controller away. Have your child practice using their words; they might say, “I was playing and when you grab the controller I get so mad!” Then, have them sit back and practice their breathing. They might also need to get up and move and get something to drink. Then have them return when they’re calmer. Read this article to understand the importance of positive self-talk in emotional regulation. One of my favorite card decks to use for roleplay and acting out different emotional scenarios, are the Feelings and Dealings Cards.
Lastly, consider setting up a ‘calm down’ space in your home. Fill it with comforting items and make it a safe haven where your child can go to regulate their emotions. This technique helps children learn self-soothing strategies that are essential for emotional independence. These techniques are all covered in my online course for children. There are modules on building your child’s feelings vocabulary, helping them identify their strengths, teaching them to use “I” statements, resolving conflicts, journaling, and setting up and using a calm-down space. Your child can watch videos and practice, even a few minutes each week, to build and perfect their emotional regulation skills. You get lifetime access too, so there’s no rush to complete the course and other children can benefit from it as well. Check it out here.
Keep in mind, these techniques should be introduced progressively and tailored to your child’s age and understanding. You can always adjust your approach down the road as they grow and develop.
Addressing Emotional Regulation Challenges
Sometimes, no matter how much you prepare, tantrums and meltdowns will still happen. It’s part of growing up. The key is to handle these outbursts without escalating the situation.
It’s not just about stopping the meltdown; it’s also about understanding the ‘why’ behind it. By addressing the root cause, you can help your child develop better coping strategies for the future. And remember, consistency is your ally. React the same way to similar outbursts, and soon, your child will learn what to expect and how to better control their reactions. Lower your voice to a whisper, get down on the child’s level, name their feeling, and let them know you’re available to help them calm down when they’re ready. Once you’ve practiced the strategies several times, you can also offer encouragement to your child to show you how they can calm themselves down.
If you find that the challenges are persisting, it might be time to seek professional help. Professionals like child psychologists or behavioral therapists can offer guidance tailored to your child’s needs. They can work with you and your child to develop strategies that are effective and sustainable. Take this survey to find out if your child would benefit from therapy.
Keep in mind, every child is unique, and what works for one may not work for another. Personalities, temperaments, and individual experiences all shape how a child manages their emotions. Patience will be your greatest tool throughout this journey. If you feel angry or upset, be sure to take the time you need to calm yourself down, before attempting to help your child.
I really hope that the strategies and insights discussed here will empower you to confidently guide your child toward better emotional regulation. The road might be bumpy at times, but with perseverance and love, you’ll see progress and growth. Teaching emotional regulation is about nurturing a skill that will benefit your child for a lifetime.