“One of the most important things we adults can do for young children is to model the kind of person we would like them to be.”
~Carol B. Hillman~
It’s a complete understatement to say that parenting is challenging and complicated! You can read all the books, listen to podcasts, put great strategies into action, and still be left wondering “Where did I go wrong?”
Children are very unique and complex beings. As an elementary school counselor, I speak with students and parents regularly. Even after over 30 years, I’m still often shocked and surprised at what I hear. I know so many families who work very hard to provide their children with all kinds of amazing opportunities. They make many sacrifices so their children can pursue their interests and develop their gifts. They spare nothing for their children. And yet, they face difficult times when their children argue, talk back, complain, and refuse to cooperate. Their children take all their loving efforts for granted and things too often dissolve into screaming matches, withdrawal, or their children develop anxiety, depression or other mental health disorders.
There are few things more painful than having the child you brought into this world scream “I hate you!” as they shut their bedroom door in your face. But many parents of pre-teens and teens have experienced this painful reality. Is this just the way it is? Is this behavior normal and to be expected?
Some pushback against parents is normal, but the parent-child relationship does not have to become fractured. Even when I speak with children who have parents who have abusive behaviors, such as screaming, name-calling, throwing objects and hitting, the kids love their parents and long for a connection. So if you are a typical parent who is doing their best to raise strong and caring kids, you can always improve your relationship and communication with them.
Many of the students I currently work with come from financially stable homes. They have the necessities they need and they are encouraged to participate in school clubs and pursue outside interests. But some of these students express great distress because they have anxiety, negative self-talk and thoughts of self-harm. Many of them don’t feel like they can tell their parents what they’re going through. I recently worked with a boy whose mom is a therapist and dad is a nurse. He shared with me that he has engaged in self-harm and often has suicidal thoughts. He doesn’t want his parents to know that he’s struggling because he doesn’t want to let them down. He also worries that they’ll be disappointed and scared and will therefore become angry.
Of course, my job is to contact the parents and work to bridge the gap in communication so their child will be safe and get the support they need. But as a parent, it can be very upsetting and embarassing to hear that your loved and well-supported child is in distress.
I find that most children will sacrifice themselves to protect their parents. They will hide their pain and pretend that they’re doing fine. This is difficult for parents to hear, but I come across this often. I worked with one student earlier this year who had been self-harming extensively, yet no one knew. The girl’s family was very busy working and building a new house. She was doing her work and keeping up in school. She was doing her chores at home and “acting” as if everything was fine. But I noticed that in school she was often sad and withdrawn. Once I got to know her, I noticed that she always wore a sweatshirt, even when it was warm outside. One day I asked to see her arms. She lifted her sleeves to reveal hundreds of cuts. I immediately called her parents to the school for a meeting. They were initially very upset with her and angry at me for exposing something so upsetting. The girl never spoke to me again, but the mom called me later to thank me because she felt this discovery may have saved her daughter’s life. Her parents got her into therapy and began spending more one-on-one time with her.
Both of the above examples are sad and disturbing, but I believe it’s very important to share what’s really happening with our youth. Many kids are hurting and they need our support and understanding. So how do you “inoculate” your child against becoming sad, anxious, withdrawn and angry? Let’s get into that now:
Improve Communication With Your Child
- Validate, Validate, Validate! – The biggest barrier I see to communication between children and their parents is lack of validation when they share their feelings. When a child shares something that makes a parent uncomfortable, often the response is “Oh you shouldn’t feel that way. Look how great your life is, look how much you’re loved.” Though this is true, children need to know that their feelings are valid. Feelings come and go, but in the moment they are big and real to your child. It can be very difficult to go to a lot of trouble planning something special for your child, only to have them dissolve into tears and a litany of complaints. But if you take a deep breath, and just say “Explain to me how you’re feeling. What else? Is there more?” and then follow up with some paraphrasing, your child will feel heard and will usually feel relieved and ready to move on. The bonus is that your child will feel comfortable coming to you the next time and the next. When children are not validated at home, they will seek it out in other places. And as they get older, those other places can be very unhealthy and often destructive. When you paraphrase what your child said, do it like this, “So you’re feeling sad and disappointed because you were hoping to play your favorite game and we didn’t include that in our plans, is that right?” Keep paraphrasing and clarifying with your child until they calm down and show relief. Refrain from judging any of the things your child shares with you.
- Clearly Define What You Expect and Model That No Matter What – It’s very important to be clear and consistent with your child about the behaviors you expect from them. But once you set those expectations, abide by them yourself. Parenting is tough and it’s normal to get so frustrated that you feel like you’re losing your mind! However, if you do not want your child screaming at you, don’t scream at them. I spoke with a mom the other day that admitted that she and her first-grade daughter were getting into screaming matches. She said, “I ask her to do something and she screams ‘No’ at me.” When I asked the mom how she responded to that, she said, “It makes me so mad that I scream back at her.” I really appreciated this mom’s honesty. We are only human and kids can push up beyond our limits! I suggested that she try lowering her voice instead. In response to her daughter refusing to comply to her request, she can take a deep breath, lower her voice and say, “I’m going to count to 3. I need you to do what I asked you to do.” If her child chooses to scream “No!” again, she will need to be prepared to take a privilege away. If she gets to “3” and her child is still refusing, she can calmly state, “You didn’t stop playing your video game, so you have lost the privilege of playing for 1 full day.” This approach clearly puts the parent in control without eroding away at the relationship. She needs to stay calm and in control and calmly follow through with the consequence, while refusing to engage any further with her daughter. It’s very important to show confidence and resolve. When a parent screams at a child, they’ve already given up any semblance of parental control. And I’m not talking about control that causes a child to be fearful. Creating clear limits for your child gives them a sense of security. They need to know what your expectations are so they can relax and trust that you’re in control. Her daughter will learn that she means what she says and she will learn that being disrespectful is not allowed. The mother is modeling calm behavior rather than modeling the screaming she does not want.
- Set Aside Distraction-Free Time to Listen Deeply – I can’t count how many times I’ve asked children if they’ve talked to their parents about how they’re feeling and they respond with “My parents are always too busy. They don’t really listen to me.” I completely understand that parents have to juggle many demands on their time, but if your kids don’t come first, your relationship with them will suffer; they will slip away more quickly than you can imagine! Kids learn at a very early age that they can’t say what’s on their minds and in their hearts, and I find that to be very sad! Take an honest look at how you spend your time and find at least 20 to 30 minutes each day to connect with your child. Go for a drive, with electronics turned off, go for a walk, or sit together in a quiet place to hear about their day and how they’re feeling. If this is a new practice for you, having something to build with or a puzzle to put together can help. Kids also love drawing and painting. I love to use conversation cards with kids who don’t find it easy to express themselves. I have seen parent-child relationships completely transform using this strategy. Children will act out when they need attention. They will even exhibit behaviors that will get them into trouble because some attention is better than no attention!
- Practice Stress-Relief Together – We can’t escape stress. Stress can motivate us to get things done, but it can also completely deplete our reserves. Infuse fun into mundane daily activities. While you’re fixing dinner, turn on dancing music and put on a little show together as you prepare dinner. When you catch yourself barking out orders and getting frustrated, turn your instructions into a song or create a fun competition. Offer praise to your child 5 times more than you correct them and smile even when you feel irritated. Believe me, I know this is much harder than it sounds, but when you’re able to lighten up the mood for yourself, your child’s mood will improve as well. If you have 20 or 30 minutes, sit with your child and draw or paint. I find that children really open up when they’re engaged in something fun and relaxing. I like to use these paint sticks because the colors are bright and they’re not messy. I recently read the book, The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin. Her recommendations for ways to help your family be happier by making yourself happier are brilliant. We’re all human and we all have days when we’re exhausted and just don’t care. That’s normal and to be expected. But if you have stress-relievers that you can use yourself, you will have less of those days overall.
- Create Lots of Little Family Rituals – We all thrive on routine. But we often fall into dysfunctional routines without meaning to. Evenings can become a battleground around getting things cleaned up after dinner, finishing homework, and getting ready for bed. Examine your daily routines and find ways to insert fun traditions. Create a clean-up song. Have a competition for creating a bedtime poem that everyone recites. Create a “Getting ready for bed” playlist, dim the lights and move in slow motion when it’s time to go to bed, turn on battery-operated candles during bath time, create a book together that illustrates and explains your evening routine, have a nightly impromptu 2-minute performance. Some young children really enjoy having a special plush toy for bedtime; they can even share thoughts and feelings by having their plushie “talk”. There are a multitude of ways to create fun rituals that your kids will always remember and will share with their children.
Families are incredibly busy and there’s a lot of pressure on parents to keep up with all the demands of daily life. But finding ways to really focus on your children will pay great dividends in the long-run. I talk to children every day who feel disconnected from their parents. Although this is such a prevalent problem, I do not fault the parents. Sometimes families just need a reminder to push the reset button. We fall into habits that don’t serve our children, without ever meaning to.
Take some time to really examine how you spend your time. I completely understand that there are never enough hours in a day. But I’m sure you can find some openings where you can build in ways to connect with your children more deeply. Even though you’re with your children, picking them up from school, taking them to afterschool activities, feeding them dinner and putting them to bed, they still need time to really open up about what they’re thinking and feeling.
If you feel that your child is withdrawing or is acting out and expressing big emotions, start with taking the time to really listen and validate their feelings. Keep in mind that it may not go smoothly at first. Your child may not want to talk, or they might act silly or even defiant. Stick with it. Set aside time to do something together (of your child’s choosing) and create a schedule and stick to it. Your child will eventually open up, when they see that you are not going to judge them, deny their feelings or become upset about what they share with you. You know your child better than anyone. You’ve devoted your life to them. You are the person they should be confiding in!
With all the influences children face outside the home, from peers to media, it’s crucial to maintain a sense of balance. Encourage critical thinking and discuss issues openly. Don’t shy away from tough topics; instead, use them as teachable moments to reinforce your values.
In times when the challenges seem insurmountable, don’t hesitate to seek external support, whether that’s from family, community resources, or professionals. It’s a sign of strength to know when help is needed, and it can provide valuable tools and perspectives.
I look forward to hearing your story. Please feel free to share, in the comments below, how the communication with your child improves. I wish you and your family the best of everything.